The Mental Diaries
by SakuraShannaro
Summary: Light's mental health deteriorates after L tests out the note and he finds out Light is guilty. He ends up in a mental clinique, alone. L decides neither of them should be alone anymore. Follow L, the biggest detective in history and Light, the biggest mass murderer in history, as L saves Light from destroying his mind, and Light saves L from the need to destroy his mind.
1. Prologue

"We gave him a new medicine, it's something we've been working on for a while." Doctor said, still looking at his papers, probably reading the side effects, ready to inform L.

L's panda eyes focused on the doctor before glancing momentarily at the papers; he was not very willing to let Light to become a guinea pig, even if he was Kira, the biggest mass murderer in history, and a delusional freak with a god complex.

Visibly delusional at the moment, L thought bitterly.

Well, letting him consume drugs that were not tested was equal to a death sentence, the death sentence he managed to avoid.

And L still wasn't sure whether he was relieved or frustrated he didn't get what he deserved, a nice electric chair so he could end up like fried chicken, like B did in jail.

Taking into consideration what kind of person Light was, the way he ended up was worse though, L concluded, so he even allowed himself to feel a little sorry for him.

Taking three different kinds of medicine, both i.v and pills and the most exciting thing to be able to do being playing with lego at the living room was pitiful knowing how much of a genius Light was previously.

However, the times Light was not drugged, well, they were a nightmare.

L had been present during some of them, months ago, and Light had been something worse than Kira.

Light had given up.

L lived for the moment Light would fight for his freedom, even though he'd definitely lose, but Light didn't even try to eat his meals or take a walk outside with his personal nurse like all patients did, so fighting for his freedom was out of question.

Light was a walking corpse.

"Let's see some of the side effects are being forgetful, unsteadiness, noticeable change in speech rhythm, lightheadedness, nausea, shuffle walking, trouble speaking properly, trouble concentrating, lack of appetite-"

"If I see Yagami-san and he suffers because of half of these things, I will have to sue you, y'know." L commented calmly while gnawing his thumb.

"I thought you had given me permission to do what I wish with that certain patient, and even if you had done that for unknown reasons, I must ask: What happened that changed your mind? You even came to visit after the required visits."

L indeed had given the doctor the permission to do whatever he wanted with Light, and he hadn't even done half of the things Light deserved.

But L wasn't sure why he decided to protest, was it that Light was the only person equal to him?

He didn't feel like destroying Light's brain, whatever it was, it was precious to all him, Light and the humanity.

As precious it is, it is just a dangerous, L told himself, not quite managing to sound convincing enough inside his head.

How dangerous can a mastermind be?

Very, he concluded, still not taking his word back at the doctor.

"I can let you see him, Hideki-san. I will not give him that certain medicine, if you ask me to. You pay, you decide but I must inform you what's best for the patient." The doctor said expressionless, fixing his glasses. "You remember the room?"

"Not quite." L lied.

He didn't want to be alone, not anymore, even if his company was the doctor.

Humans were nothing after all.

If a genius like Light ended up like that, a genius like himself could end up like that as well, and even worse.

He decided he wanted people around him, he couldn't be alone for much longer, he wanted to confirm both his existence and sanity.

He wanted _Light_ around him.

He wanted _Kira_ around him

Even the horrible Kira trials with Light laughing like the nutcase he was were not enough to separate him from Light Yagami.

He had gotten emotionally attached, he admitted, and he had understood it much later than expected.

Four months after discovering Light was Kira, he just decided to spend more time with a drugged, emotionally dead Light, he concluded, telling himself he sounded irrational.

"Here." The doctor opened the door to Light's room, silently, stepping away in order for L to enter.

"Light-kun?" Naturally, Light was sitting on the floor, holding a yellow, in the past white, teddy bear.

He didn't even turn around but L knew Light had heard him.

"Misa, kill them...All of them." The doctor glanced at Light, frustrated from what he had heard, one last time before closing the door.

L decided to watch Light silently for a bit as he sat in front of him at the chair next to the bed.

He shook the teddy bear, intensely, while looking at it lovingly.

He looked as if he was talking to Misa indeed, L thought, feeling a slight sadness.

"We cannot afford to lose anymore time, Kira's word m-must...spread." L noticed Light dragged his voice and some certain vowels and consonants more than usual, and that he sounded as if he would cry, but probably that wasn't what he meant to sound like.

It was just his raspy voice.

"Kill L first. See h-his name, it will be floating over his head." It was sickening how that didn't make L neither sad nor angry. Light stood up and L did too instinctively as Light ended up shoving the teddy bear in L's arms before following the bear as well and grasping L's shirt as if his life depended from it.

As Light started sobbing, L could tell Light asked 'Misa' to kill him while he was aware of L's presence in the room.

He did it to hurt him.

What mattered was that it was a hell, Light was struggling to breath in L's arms, L's shirt was wet, and the teddy bear fell on the floor, followed by L who tried to support Light's weight.

And since L decided to visit Light, it only just begun.


	2. Day 2

_Day 2_

 _My name is Hideki Ryuga - or Ryuzaki._

 _Well, not really but that's what they all call me when it comes to a case I have to solve under the name of L._

 _I will be writing here for the next months, maybe even for the next years, I cannot be sure yet._

 _I have to make sure that being in contact with the criminal named Light Yagami, also known as Kira, will not affect my own mental health._

 _I am not sure why I want to be in contact with him, or why I started to visit him again, after the necessary visits to pay the clinique._

 _I swore to myself that if he was Kira, he would be nothing to me, nothing more than a murder that needs punishment._

 _I'd treat him the way I treated Beyond, had I kept my promise._

 _But I feel the need to interact with him, he was the first friend I've ever made, and even if I am Kira's eternal enemy, I will always be Light's friend._

 _I have to separate them, Light from Kira, otherwise it will sound sick, how I still care._

 _And how I feel as if the Light inside Kira still cares as well._

L paused gnawing his thumb, as he brought the most recent memory he had from Light in mind.

 _Light played with his blue notebook today, the notebook that I bought him._

 _It was an imitation of the real Death Note, and I still feel guilty for buying it, like I am pushing a junkie to take drugs again._

 _Back to the point, he had been writing down names, an endless list of names._

 _He didn't even look up or look anywhere else besides the note's pages; he was completely devoted to what he was doing._

 _After all, how could Kira not be devoted?_

 _He eventually turned around and handed me the notebook._

 _"It's yours now.", he said_ _._

 _I didn't want it, all I wanted was to leave him and never see him again._

 _But I couldn't._

 _The nurse entered and gave him his medicine, through i.v. as well, forcing him to lie on bed._

 _"Ryuz-zaki." He muttered after a bit._

 _"Tell me Light-kun."_

 _"I...am not feeling well." My eyes had stayed focused on him._

 _"I know, I can guess at least."_

 _"Please L." Light quickly crawled up to me, falling from the bed first face forward, before I could even move._

 _"Are you alright, Light-kun? You seemed to fall a bit harshly." I asked awkwardly._

 _"Give me my note." I sighed, looking around, not remembering where I left it. "No, not that. My real one. The heaven sent one." I was dumbstruck after the request._

 _Did Light really just ask such a thing?_

 _Light had given up, last time I had checked. All he did was eat, sleep and piss._

 _Or play with his note and organize murders with his teddy bear._

 _But then I remembered about the medicine, and the few moments of clarity and clear thinking Light would have._

 _So Light probably was back at normal, for a few minutes probably._

 _And surprisingly, I felt glad about it._

 _"I cannot, Light-kun. I am not even sorry about it, honestly. I am sorry for myself that I am still here."_

 _"L, only you can understand."_

 _"Understand what, Light-kun? The case's goal was catching Kira. I did so. I don't understand why you even try to talk to me about the case."_

 _"Sed qui me defendet. Ab me terriblisimo ipse?" Light had muttered, looking at me challengingly._

 _"And who protects me from the most terrific thing, myself?" I repeated, translating the Latin phrase._

 _"No one, L. No one protects you anymore, and no ever did protect you._ _You are alone. I killed Watari. I killed the task force."_

 _"You killed you own father." I said, bringing up an issue that I wanted to know more about._

 _The murder of Soichiro Yagami, who was visibly manipulated by note before his death._

 _"Sacrifices are need to be done, although, I'll tell you this: I didn't kill him, specifically. I did kill Matsuda and Aizawa. Watari too. But not my father."_

 _What? Not Light?_

 _Only he could have, the only logical explanation._

 _I looked at Light, trying to tell whether he was bluffing or not._

 _Or whether his clarity moments were over and he had started to go incoherent again._

 _"I didn't, L. There are things about the note you will never know about, because the only person you can learn about them from is me." He laughed a bit. "It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me." He repeated over and over again, a small smile still there._

 _"Come on, Kira-kun." I sighed, finding the repeat unbearable. "Let's get you to bed." He hated it when I called him that, ironically._

 _He wanted Kira's name to be graced._

 _After that, Light slept, woke up, played with his Lego, while I was solving a Deneuve case, an easy one._

 _I could tell he was honest though; and it had_ _seemed fishy even before that conversation._

 _A person with pride, who grew up in such a family, would never kill so easily a relative._

 _A close one in fact._

 _And at the point Soichiro Yagami died, it wasn't necessary for him to, even for Kira's sake, it'd do nothing good._

 _So, I decided, at least privately, that the Kira case was open again, since I had closed it way too fast._

 _It wasn't just the culprit, Light, that was caught without explaining anything, it was also the tool, the note, that remained a secret since no one knew how to use it exactly._

 _And how Light killed the task force without writing anything down?_

 _And why hadn't I died too?_

 _All deaths happened right after Higuchi died, and the Shinigami didn't write anything either, I could see it by then._

 _Another Shinigami?_

 _Light had something else up his sleeve_

 _I have to know._

 _And I know I might be alive just by pure luck, because Light, the Shinigami or whoever it was was not able to kill me for some reason._

 _But I still have to know, and then I might be able to decode Light Yagami's brain as well._

 _And my percentages concerning Light's guilt over Soichiro Yagami's death are around 23,5, so I have to either get to zero or one hundred._

 _And I feel uncertain about many more issues concerning Light Yagami and Kira._


	3. Day 3 (The Confession)

_Day 3_

 _I am Rue Ryuzaki again._

 _Today, Light Yagami confessed his love to me._

 _And no, it is not the way it actually sounds._

 _He had been writing down names for hours in his imitation of a Death Note, until he turned around, and closed his note._

 _"L, let me tell you something."_

 _Surprisingly, he sounded perfectly sane._

 _"I'm listening, Yagami-kun." I said softly._

 _"I love you." I raised an eyebrow as he turned around again and kept on writing._

 _"Are you sane?" I decided to ask after a little._

 _I had my suspicions for a little while, that Light had stopped taking any kind of medication besides the one through IV, though that one was just a mild sedative, so it wouldn't really make a difference._

 _"What do you mean?" Light turned back around, blinking slowly._

 _"I mean, what do I mean..." I whispered to myself._

 _Really, I am not sure what I meant._

 _If Light didn't take him medication, he was insanely sane._

 _He was crazy enough to hide he was a sociopath, like he did for years._

 _If he did take his medication, he was sanely insane, if I can even phrase it in a right way._

 _He did take his medication but it clouded his mind enough to keep him insane in a safe way._

 _So, was there any possible way for Light Yagami to be sane?_

 _"I mean if you are taking your medication."_

 _"I believe I am." He replied with an innocent smile._

 _I could tell he indeed was though, had he not been taking it, he would act completely differently._

 _"And you love me." I raised an eyebrow again._

 _"I do. That's why you're still in the world of the living." I sighed._

 _What was he trying to do?_

 _Because adding that as a clue to the case, created many more questions._

 _And why would Light Yagami ever love me in any way?_

 _Except if he was being honest, something I seriously doubt._

 _"I know you don't believe me. But I am being honest right now." Light replied to my thoughts._

 _"I cannot believe you, even if you are on medication. I can't possibly believe you however you are."_

 _"I know. I just wanted you to know you are loved, even if it is by Kira."_

 _ **Perfectly sane.**_


End file.
